Automatic Negative thoughts, let talk about killing them. Our brain makes pathways of thinking like cows across a paddock, they always walk the same path because it is easier. When we continue to think negative a path is made and it is easy to walk across it when things go wrong, and we are consumed daily with negative thoughts. We need to kill that thought form and make a new positive path. Sounds easy but, we need to continue to walk across the same grass to wear it down, it will take time and a lot of proactive behaviour. We have all been told to meditate as it is primary for recharging our energy and increasing positive thoughts. What if, like me you don't like to mediate? I'm a keep myself kind of busy person, there is always something that needs to be done and if I can't find something then I go to Bunnings and create something to do. When it's time to wind down I like to hop in a bath and play music, I sing like no one is listening (sorry to my poor neighbours) and I kill ANTs that way. I do go through phases where I work out a lot but mostly my daily exercise comes from walking my dog. Now those guys know how to kill ANTs, ever seen a dog thinking about bad stuff? No, because they live in the moment, great teachers if we only knew how to learn from them.
Most of my negative thoughts are personal, I turn on myself and am very critical of my looks, my personality, my work ethics, my physical and mental illness. I've had four children, my body reflects that and should be a thing of beauty, instead I look in the mirror and point out all my ugly flaws. I think as I've gotten older, I have realised all women do this and we're all beautiful because of our flaws, so I pop on some diva song and dance (very badly) in front of the mirror in my knickers and tell myself I have a beautiful healthy body that created four humans and I am so grateful this is my body.
I have a big personality and it is not for everyone. I tend to come on strong especially when dating someone new and I say what I think sometimes without a filter. I do not go out of my way to hurt others and when I do, I am very apologetic. I was raised in a modest home with three older siblings by both parents who were seasonal workers. For a few months of the year when my parents were not working, we were supported on Government payments. My mother shopped at second-hand stores (before it was fashionable), we ate at home cooked meals rarely having takeaways. To this day I do not recall my mother ever taking us to MacDonald's and I thank her for that. With this very real upbringing I have developed a very real outlook on life, and this tends to rub people the wrong way. Sometimes I wish I had the personality of a rich kid, well-spoken and full of grace and so on... But my friends and family all know where they stand with me, I'm honest and loyal, I need to tell myself this more often. I work at a very high standard, this puts a lot of pressure on myself but, also my colleagues as I am critical of their work. Sometimes I would lay in bed unable to go to sleep, running through my workday over and over and thinking how I could have done it better.
So, I have Bipolar Affective Disorder Type I, who wants to date a woman with BPAD? Who wants a friend with BPAD? Who wants to hire a nurse with BPAD? Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to have a mood disorder? I have an autoimmune disease, who wants to date a woman with a chronic illness? Who wants to watch me take handfuls of tablets every day? Who wants to see me when I'm covered in rashes and unable to get out of bed due to chronic fatigue? Who want to live the rest of their lives with a wife who is so mental and physical flaws? Dam, not going to lie, this paragraph hurt to write. I need to remember how good of a mum and stepmum I am, my children are wonderful decent human beings and I take part credit of that. I'm mostly settled in mood, appear and feel generally healthy. Love spending time at the beach and in the bush. I have completed a master’s degree and have a great job working in mental health. I'm not too bad to look at and I think I'm a great catch (laughing at myself now). I tell myself how strong I am to have this diagnosis and to be a single mother working full-time, I could have given up and got on disability payments but, I love what I do and will continue to carry on helping others.
